and over again

Back at school, another year of college underway. And with it, two major questions that have me panicking in my bed at night. (That might be a little dramatic. Though I did panic a little last night. and I do think/worry about this a lot.)

Firstly, everyone keeps asking me, "What are you planning on doing after you graduate?" Of course, I have the standard response in my back pocket, that I whip out with ease, nonchalant and painlessly responding, "Oh, I'm not quite sure yet. I'm still figuring it out."
The response is always the same. "Oh, that's OK. You've got time."

Yes, I do have time. Some time, but honestly, not a lot. Sure, 3 years is time to figure some stuff out, but I know now that once the school year really gets going, I'll be swamped with tons of things. It will fly by, probably faster than last year, which ended a little too quickly, like a favorite childhood roller coaster (or waterslide) that used to last forever and now passes in the blink of an eye.

But I digress.

The second question that comes is perhaps the more worrisome, as I am still able to push the Future Plans Inquisition to the back of my brain with a false sense of security. (I do believe I have a lot of time, even if that may not be entirely true.) (Again with the digressing. Anyway.)

The second question is one that I answer with the standard affirmative response, even if I don't feel it. Maybe that's what makes it so troubling, the fact that I'm sort of fibbing my reply.

"Are you glad to be back?"

Oh, I should be glad. I should be excited. This is college. This is what I've waited my entire life for. this is the "School of My Dreams"(or is suppose to be anyway, but that's another discussion for another time), and I should feel ecstatic and thrilled and like I'm living up to my purpose in life.

But I don't.

It's not that I'm unhappy to be here. I don't even know where I'd rather be. But when asked if I'm happy or excited to be here, I can honestly say I feel neither of those emotions, not the way I know I should.

Perhaps I'm just scared. Scared of what my (entirely) unknown future will hold. Scared that I will waste this instead of going out and doing what I love (writing) and finding a way to make it on my own. Scared that my dreams are not enough and I will spend four years paying tons of money to end up in a job I hate always hoping for a different future.

Oh, lovely, worrisome brain. How you torture me so.

I should be happy and excited. I should be having fun and enjoying these days, days where I'm an adult but don't have as much financial (read:bills) responsibility yet. Instead, all I can think about is how I could be out writing traveling journals or novels or newspaper articles or doing something else to make money.

And yet, I don't even know if that's what I want to be doing or where I want to be.

I'm worried that once I do make it, it won't be enough. No one will buy my writing. I will make a terrible teacher. I'll end up in retail for the rest of my life. (Eww.  ew ew ew no. Not that I dislike retail, but I know for a fact that it is one place I don't want to be right now, or ever, save summer jobs or some such similar endeavor.)

The biggest problem is, I don't know how to tell anyone. I loved this school last year, but now I feel, in many ways, I would be just as happy somewhere else (save the fact that my friends are here.) Happy being a relative term, since I'm not really sure what it means for me anymore. (which is also another discussion for another time.)

However, since I don't have anyone to really talk to, I end up wallowing in confusion and self pity and guilt, and that's not good. So, of course, I'm putting it on the internet, as you do. Whatever. I'm sure some day I'll have this all figured out.

Until then, have a great start to this new year, and don't forget to appreciate the little things in life. Like chocolate. And Ginger Ale. and all the wonderful content on the internet.

Until next time,
Love, Me.