Hopes and Dreams

I've stopped dreaming about my wedding.

A few years ago, I'd get on pintrest and it would be all I though about. I obsessed over details and looked at rings and dresses galore. But it seems to not matter as much now. (Besides, the more hoping I do now, the more stress and freakout I'll be prone to when the time comes anyway.)

It's not like I don't want one. I do. It will be a beautiful day and I can't wait. I know vaguely what I want it to look like, I know the type of dress I want to have. When the time comes, I'm going to get excited about planning it and making it what I've wanted since I was a little girl. But honestly, I don't care so much about it right now.

Instead, I've started dreaming about a relationship. Maybe that's not much better, but in the grand scheme of things, the relationship is what matters anyway, not the wedding, right?

Maybe it's because I've never had a serious relationship (heck, I've never had a relationship, period, unless you count the time I went to a movie with a guy I had zero interest in, which i don't.) But I find myself thinking about what he'll be like.

I find myself dreaming of the times he will hold my hand or kiss my forehead or say he love me. I dream of spending Saturday mornings at coffee shops, afternoons in the park. I think of wandering around a bookshop with him, talking of nothing and everything. I dream that he'll be my best friend. I dream of sitting in silence with him and being completly comfortable. I dream lying on the couch, watching re-runs of my favorite TV shows, reading books out loud in the twilight. I think of making food with him and drinking tea on rainy days and coming up behind him and wrapping my arms around his waist. I dream of the way he'll smell, the color of his eyes, the way his hair might fall over his forehead. I dream of dancing with him, at a swing dance party with friends or late at night as the shadows grow long. I dream of traveling the world together, climbing mountains and skiing down them, exploring forests and falling asleep in tents.

And then perhpas I think I'm dreaming too much, now I've jinxed myself. I'll think of the way he might propose, or even of how we'll meet, and remind myself I want it to be a surprise.

But I can't help myself, and I don't know why.

I don't have a witty way to end this, any thoughts or lessons on how to move past it. I don't have a cure for myself. But maybe, one day soon, I won't have to.