I posted a few weeks ago about friends and friendships and how bad I am at communicating. Tonight, I'm listening to Christmas music and feeling very nostalgic and missing some people very badly that were once very important to me.
Sometimes, I feel like I failed some of my friends in high school by not being the person they needed. Maybe that sounds silly, but it's how I feel. I wasn't a very good friend some of the time. I was wrapped up in myself, and didn't act like I cared enough. Sometimes I still act that way. I'm working on it, but I think part of it has to do with my awkwardness and self doubt.
I've been realizing this last year or so that I've been upholding an image of what I thought I was supposed to be and presenting myself as that. That person was not the person I should be. That person is hypocritical and goody-two-shoes-y and too perfect to be true. That person was un-rightly judgmental and had a pretty outside for an ugly soul. I wasn't honest with myself, and I've not been honest with my friends.
There are things I wish I could say to some people. Forgiveness I wish I could ask for from people I didn't treat well. People I pitied and judged when I should have loved. People who had different opinions and views and values and thoughts than me than I should have tried harder to understand and accept. People I should have listened better to, people I should have been there for, instead of so wrapped up in myself and the perfect person I wanted to be, thought they needed me to be.
But I was so interested in pretending to be perfect, that I forgot most people don't like to look at someone who looks like they have it all together. Someone who thinks they are right and that their way is best all the time instead of looking at circumstances and society and personality and personal family values and any other number of factors that contribute to who someone becomes.
(I know this is all sort of vague. But I don't really know how else to say it.)
Some of those people will probably never read this. If they did, they might not even know it was about them. But, if somehow they do, I just want them to know:
I love you. I will always love you. You taught me things about myself I truly needed to know, even if a lot of it was in hindsight. You were everything to me. You were less judgmental of me and everyone else then I ever have been of anyone, as much as I'd like to pretend to see the best in people.
For a few short years, you were my everything, you and a few others. I couldn't have done high school without you. You made me laugh, you helped me through struggles and heartache. I will always hold you close and dear to my heart. I will always want the best for you and believe the best of you, no matter what anyone else says. No matter what you do, I will love and forgive you. It is not and never has been my place to judge you, and I'm sorry if I made it feel like that's what I did.
I wish I could apologize face to face. I wish I knew what all to say, what all I did wrong. I wish I had the courage to be the person I wanted to, to start over and really be your friend. I wish I could know if this is all in my head.
Regardless, I am rooting for you. No matter what, I want you to be the best person you can be, I want you to be good and kind and everything you were made to be. I believe that you can be. I believe that you are worth it. It doesn't matter to me if you feel like you've failed. I don't care if you've done something wrong, if you've made bad choices, or if you simply feel like none of your hard work is paying off, to me you are still wonderful and important and beautiful. And you are worth it all.
For anyone who reads this, just know, that if you ever were my friend, even for a brief time, the message above can be for you too (changing a few key factors, perhaps, like the high school stuff if it doesn't apply to you).
If you are or were or ever will be my friend, I will always care about you, no matter how much time goes by, no matter what comes between us. You will always hold a piece of my heart.
Because no matter who I am, no matter how I've changed, and what I was, I'm learning that I love deeply. If I let you in, you're in for life, even if we haven't talked for years, even if we never speak again.
I love you.
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