Worse.

I used to know, hours in advance. Sometimes as early as morning when I woke up. I knew it was going to be a bad day, that later that night I would have a panic attack. I knew that I could hold it of (usually) until I was able to curl up on my bed and let all the stress go. I used to be able to control it, even predict it by the way it hit every two weeks, almost on the dot.

Now, it happens in class. My day can be going perfectly fine and all of the sudden I can't breathe. It takes all of my focus and concentration to not make a scene, to repress it and not fall on the floor in a tiny ball, crying. I have to force myself to breathe slowly and deeply. I cannot think about the lesson or the class or the people around me.

Now, it happens at the end of a perfectly good day. I'm lying in bed, or sitting at my computer in the evening and the doom crashes over me. A thought enters my head, and I'm gone. Dread fills my being, all of the feelings come back at once. I feel fine one minute, and the next I want to scream or cry or lie perfectly still doing nothing for hours, feeling worthless and useless and empty.

The worst part about it is that I don't know if anything is really wrong. I've taken the online self tests with low results for an actual problem. I've made it through the days, the weeks, the years, and managed to keep my grades up and not want to kill myself and interact with friends on a normal level. But something doesn't feel right.

Moments like these, everything feels wrong. Everything feels worse. And I don't know why.

It's too hard to explain, too hard to put into words. It doesn't feel like enough to be a real problem.

What if it is?

What if it's not?

And most of all, what do I do?